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And Now Back to Words, Feelings, and Kink

  • Posted on December 4, 2015 at 10:02 PM

I’ve managed to get a bunch of new posts on here because of Sinful Sunday.  It allowed me to post things that had nothing to do with words, because I hadn’t been able to write anything in so long.  The pictures told my story while I wasn’t able to with my words.  It also helped because I did NaNoWriMo last month (National Novel Writing Month for the uninitiated), as I do most years, so all my words go to that anyway.  This year’s NaNo changed things though.  I found my kink again.  The thing that gets me going.  The use of words, hot buttons, to make me hot and wet and wanting again for the first time in so long.  Things got so bad that I had all but lost my ability to fantasize to orgasm.  None of the fantasies I tried did anything for me anymore.  Then I started writing my book in November.  It’s my story.  How I found the newsgroup way back, and my introduction to actually playing in the scene, and then to my Top/Bottom relationship with G.  Replaying the scenes and the mindset involved and all the other things, got my brain running again in the kinky vein.  I found myself getting squirmy again for the first time in so long.  I found myself writing things that might push other people’s buttons, and were obviously pushing all of mine.  I started feeling it all coming back, and fantasizing started working again.  Yes, they were old fantasies, from back when G. and I started talking and playing, but they spark something in me that the fantasies I had been using for months couldn’t do.  I had been grieving what I had been feeling was my kinky life, because of massive stresses at home, my inability to have any time to myself, and the loss of viable fantasies.  I haven’t seen G. since October of last year.  Neither of us has the money to travel, and I have other barriers right now that make it impossible for me to go see him.  Every month had pushed me farther and farther away from my kinky self, the person I need to be to be happy and settled.  It felt so far away for so long, and I thought I couldn’t get back to it.  My world had narrowed to a pathetic little bubble, and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I was stagnating.

Then I remembered that I had to come up with an idea for NaNo.  I don’t work at my full time job anymore, and every year that I did it when I did, my boss always wanted to read what I wrote, so I stuck with sci-fi.  It was safe.  This year I decided to be brave.  I wanted to write erotica.  I wanted to write kink.  I wanted to write a full blown spanking story.  The problem was, I couldn’t come up with a fantasy to write.  A rich, fully realized world that could fill up a novel, full of spankings and sex and whatever else I wanted.  I was slightly panicked as it got closer and closer to November.  I just couldn’t come up with anything.  Then I wondered.  Did it have to be a fantasy?  Couldn’t it be reality, wrapped up in fiction to protect the totally kinky?  I didn’t want to start too far back, to include all the desperation I had felt as a kid, teenager, and adult, pre-internet.  I didn’t know exactly where to start, so I just did.  I started just after my divorce, when I got online the first time, to find that I wasn’t some sick, twisted person who should hide who they were.  I built up from there, and as I got into the first times I played, then when I started talking to G., then playing with him, and that was when I started feeling things again.  What I had thought was lost was just buried.  Yes, so deep that I had forgotten where I had put it, but I found it again, and that old zing came back.  The old thrill at the old hot button words and phrases.  The first time G. told me not to be a bad girl.  All the times when he said I disobeyed or misbehaved.  I had forgotten how much those words worked on me.  But it came back as I wrote.  I wrote over 50,000 words, meaning I won again, but I didn’t just win NaNoWriMo.  I won my kink back.  I won the part of myself that is so integral to who I am and who I need to be, to be a whole person.  The part I need to be happy.

Starting to feel human and kinky again

  • Posted on March 3, 2015 at 11:45 AM

I’m less than three weeks away from being 51 years old.  My brain tells me I’m a lot younger, but in the past few years my hormones are telling me the opposite.  I’m obviously on the downward slide to menopause, and my hormones are crazier than they were when I was a teenager.  My cycle, which used to be like clockwork started to go haywire, and then starting in December became so crazy that it didn’t stop except for a few days, and then it would be right back.  We won’t discuss the parts where I started wondering how much blood a person has in their body because “how the hell could this be happening on this level for a week and I haven’t passed out from losing all the blood in my body?”. LOL  I had been on supplements off and on a couple years ago, which took care of the hot flashes I had started having.  I had stopped taking them because the hot flashes went away, so I thought that my hormones had balanced back out.  Well, after three months of this stupid never ending hell, I did some research online, and it said that hormonal imbalance can cause that.  I still had some supplements, so I started taking them, and TA DA, I’m getting back to normal again.

One of the side effects from all that is that my sex drive and kink mindedness have been almost nonexistent.  Who can be in the mood for anything fun when you’re in the middle of all that?  It doesn’t happen.  So now, my mind is slowly wandering back to feeling more sexual, and to wanting kinkiness again.  It’s slow, too slow for my liking, but it’s only been a week since I started the supplements, so I’m hoping that maybe by my birthday I’ll be closer to kink-normal.  I knew things were bad when spanking pictures that were all over my Twitter TL were doing absolutely nothing for me.  It was annoying me that things that would have made me horny as hell a year ago were just taunting me with my lack of interest.  In the past couple days I’ve noticed at least a mild interest in the pictures, so I know things will ramp back up, it’ll just take some time.  I have managed some masturbation over the past couple months, but it’s been rare, maybe twice in that whole time.  Not being married or being in a relationship, there’s been no chance of full on sex, so at least I haven’t had to worry about anybody else’s feelings or needs in all of this, it’s just MY feelings, or lack thereof that I’ve had to deal with.  That’s enough, believe me.  This sucks, and I’m just glad I haven’t had to worry about how anybody else is affected by all of this.

There was one ray of sunshine a month ago, in one of the extremely rare days off from the hell, I was home by myself, which also rarely happens, and I got some implements out.  The riding crop, a paddle, the hairbrush and the loopy came into use, and it was so nice to get some spanking in, although my endurance wasn’t what it used to be, probably because of the lack of hormones, I’m not sure.  It was nice to have a warm bottom again for a while, especially since I hadn’t been spanked since I was in NY with G back in October.  It seems like that was the last time I really felt kinky anyway, since everything went to hell not long after I got back.  I miss feeling kinky.  I want it back.  I want to be ME again.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I know I’ll get there, but it’s frustrating in the meantime.

Playing in New York

  • Posted on November 2, 2014 at 7:32 PM

So I got to spend just short (one day) of two whole weeks in New York.  The weather cooperated, we did lots of things like mini golf (I beat G.!) and go karts (he didn’t lap me!  Yay me!), saw a couple movies, Guardians of the Galaxy and Fury, both of which are good movies, we went to a cider mill to get apples and cider (after we figured out where the hell it was LOL),

 

That, I will point out, was due to the address we initially used being flat wrong.  We were going to drive there from a place I knew how to get to, so it wasn’t until we got there and I tried plugging the address we had into the GPS that I saw there was a problem.  The next try had the GPS still not finding the address, so we called and they: 1) confirmed that they have trouble feeding their address into GPS devices too  and 2) Gave us enough info that we were able to get there.

AND we went upstate to  the Doctor Who themed restaurant, The Pandorica.  G. doesn’t know much from Doctor Who, but he was willing to drive up there so that I could go.  It was great, the people who work there are total Doctor Who freaks too, and they let you pick which episode of the show you want to watch.

The only fly in the ointment was, literally, a fly.  I find the presence flies intolerable in general, so it would have been bad enough if I had to shoo it away every 5 or 10 minutes, but this one would not take the hint and never really left our vicinity.  Had it not been for that constant distraction, lunch would have been great.  Our waitress, Victoria, was particularly personable and, as you can imagine, was a true Dr. Who fan.

 

You end up getting into discussions with them about the show, and also with other customers.  There are pics on my Twitter for those of you who are also Doctor Who freaks.  We also got to the city on the second weekend, and we walked way too much there.

 

It wasn’t that much walking in NYC terms.  Just up ~ 8 streets from Penn to 42nd Street then over to about Madison, stopping at the NY public library (the one with the Lions out front).  Then down to34 street again and back to Penn.  Jen is just not used to walking for any kind of distance.

I have also been brought into the gaming world.  I have a high elf character that G. built for me!  He spent the week before I got there doing it, (which was so much work!) and surprised me with it when I got there.

When I was in College, I got involved in the then-brand-new hobby of fantasy role playing.  Jen never had that experience, so I thought I would give her an opportunity to try.  The system we were using, was created as a direct response to many of the flaws (and there were many) in the first version of D&D.  Specifically, one of the biggest things the authors objected to the fact that the characters don’t seem to have any life outside of ransacking dungeons put there for that purpose by the Dungeon Master who is running that particular game.  As a response, they created an extensive and rather complex system for writing up what a character has done before an adventure and between adventures.  It was a house rule in the campaign in which I played that you could do as much write up on your character as you wanted and, since your character received experience for all of that activity, you would have a much more powerful character as a result.  I wanted Jen to experience this, but was concerned that having her write the character up from day one would throw the work/fun ratio out of balance.  So I came up with a compromise.  I wrote the character up myself to the point where she could have just played it and had a very capable, very playable character and gave her the option of doing some additional write-up with me to enhance the character still further.  This way if the workload had proven too onerous, we could just have ended write up and started playing right there.

I named him Taurion.  He’s a magic user with a secondary specialty in Cabbalism.  G. came up with a female version too, but at 5’4″ she was no match for Taurion’s 6’3″ massiveness, not to mention that women in Medieval times didn’t exactly fair very well.  I’m learning how the whole thing works, and I have my own dice too.  We got the game going while I was there, and we’ll be doing more of it on the phone, which is why I bought the dice.  Next November, after we’ve been playing it for a good amount of time, I should have enough of a story to be able to use it for NaNoWriMo.  Bonus, if you ask me!  The whole gaming thing is like when I realized I didn’t know anything about sports and started listening to sports radio to learn about it.  Now I have a chance to learn all about the gaming world that I was never geeky enough to be in on when I was younger.

Which was what I was aiming for all along.

I also gained another nickname, Little Bunny FooFoo.  G. was playing this game on his old computer, and it was taking FOREVER, so I started with the “Are we done yet?” thing, which tends to get old pretty fast.  I was getting bored, so I stared doing bunny ears with my fingers, and started “walking” the bunny ears behind the monitor, along the top.  For some reason I started singing the Little Bunny FooFoo song to go with it.  I have no idea why.  I told him that if the game wasn’t over soon, that Little Bunny FooFoo was going to bop him on the head.  He cracked up!  From then on it became a “thing”.  “Little Bunny FooFoo is getting irritated”, and a couple others, all of which cracked him up.
I will remind all and sundry that one of things I like to say is that I am perpetually amused.

As far as playing, there was only one real punishment spanking, because I asked for it later in the second week.  He’d been using all the evil implements on me for days and days, but never in a serious way, and I do have a punishment fetish after all.

She hadn’t accrued any major transgressions since last we met, so I didn’t have any kind of mandatory disciplinary session on the calendar.   It is part of my fairness thing, I believe that in order for punishment to have the proper effect on behavior, it must be avoidable.  After all, if you are going to “get it” anyway, then what is the incentive to behave?  Requests, of course, are another matter.
Most of the playing we did involved a lot of laughing, and me suggesting that a bonfire would be a good thing.  I was also not marking much, which was really getting on my nerves.  I hadn’t played in over a year, and the first day we played I could feel how much I hadn’t been playing, but still, after days and days of playing, only a couple bruises that didn’t last for more than a day.  He used the riding crop a lot, a wooden paddle, the Lexan paddle, the back scratcher, his evil plastic indestructible spoon from hell, and the hairbrush.  There was a good session with the belt too, of course, because well, it’s the belt!  We weren’t so intent on results for the most part, as far as a change in my behavior.  We were having fun with it, which was why all the laughing.  G. is all business for punishment spankings, which means there’s no fooling around.  He was being very silly for most of the spankings I got this time, with some dancing and singing involved on his part, which was cracking me up completely!

See above under perpetually amused.

The day after the only punishment spanking I got, realizing that I still didn’t have any marks, and desperately wanting marks that lasted more than a few days (you’ll find out how desperately in a second LOL), I asked for the unthinkable.  Last year the switch he’d used was so intense that I thought I’d never ask for that again, but I knew that marks from a switch would last for quite a while.  Like last year he made me go outside and cut one myself!  So unfair. ;)   I found one switch that was the most perfect switch I’d ever seen, thin, still green (in October??), and whippy as hell.  He wasn’t sure it would be enough.  When he started using it I knew that it would be WAY more than enough!  That thing hurt like absolute HELL.  So so evil!  Afterwards he had me stand in the corner and he took pics.  When I saw the pics I knew it had worked.  I had my marks!  I will say though, unless I have stopped marking altogether, we’re not using the switch again.  Those things are just wrong!

I will file that away for future reference  :-))

He had also read the blog post I wrote before I went there, about wanting a good long caning to relax me and get rid of some of my stress.  He used the cane a little bit early on, but along with other things.  Then, on the last Friday night, he only brought the cane out, and I got my nice long caning.  It was wonderful.  There’s no thrashing around or trying to get away from it, I just relax into the bed.  The next day was the day we went into the city.  My legs had tightened up so much that I could barely walk that night, and again he brought out only the cane, so I got another long caning, which was perfect after such a physically demanding day.  On the last whole day he caned me again.  Three canings was more than I had ever expected.  They had done their work, I was a lot more relaxed.  I didn’t fly, but being as relaxed as I ended up was just as good as far as I was concerned.  It was a very good vacation, which I REALLY REALLY needed.

Glad it worked out so well.

 

 

 

I Need…..

  • Posted on September 30, 2014 at 6:45 PM

I’ve decided that when I’m in New York I need a nice long caning with the heavy cane.  G. is great at caning me, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had a long enough caning that I’ve flown.  With this kind of caning I don’t bend over, I’m flat on the bed with my head on a pillow.  Very few people have seen me get caned, and the people who have are usually surprised at how I react when I’m being caned.  One woman said I hum, which I didn’t realize, but I do know I make little noises during a caning.  If it’s a good girl caning I don’t yell or anything, I just relax into it.  G. has to watch the signs I give out so that he knows when to give me the next stroke.  Once my feet uncurl and my butt relaxes, I’m ready.  Other than that there isn’t a lot of feedback from my side.  If it lasts long enough I get to what’s been called “subspace”,  but G. calls it “blissing out”.  I actually like that name better, because that’s exactly what happens, and I’m not what anybody would call a submissive.  I just happen to absolutely love the heavy cane.  The first time I ever got a stroke from one, at my first party ever, it was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life.  When the stroke landed it took a few seconds, and then the most amazing feeling blossomed in my bare bottom.  I got three more strokes, because I was such a newbie the guy didn’t want to overdo it the first time out, but I knew I would want more at some point.  That happened at my second party, and it was a lot more, maybe too much.  I blissed out, and the Top hit Top-space, which caused the scene to go a lot longer than it should have.  I was still a newbie and didn’t know any better, and there was no harm done because I’ve always had a high pain tolerance, but G. decided that from then on I have to have a spotter who is able to say when enough is enough, unless he’s the one caning me.

Yes, this is what I want.  A long good girl caning that makes me bliss out to the point where I’m so mellow afterwards that I can barely move.  I want this.  I NEED this.

I Found REALLY Old Newsgroup Posts

  • Posted on September 26, 2014 at 11:56 PM

I wanted to see if I could find some old SSS stuff on Google, because it had been ages, and I did find some REALLY old stuff.  This was one of my old party reports, from July 26th, 2002.

———————————————–

Painslut Party Report
I hadn’t played with anybody or been to a party in nine months, and I was
seriously deprived.  I needed to get SPANKED!  And boy, did I. <VBG>  Harry
(tailgunner50) and his wife showed up here around 3 in the afternoon, and
since by some miracle I had the apartment to myself, we decided to play
right away.  The night before he had cut an old weightlifting belt into two
pieces, the narrow strap with the holes, and the much wider part, with a
little extra attached for a handle.  Both pieces work very well. : ))  He
also used a rubber strap on me, and a paddle.  I was nice and warmed up by
the time we got into the car to go to the hotel.

Later at the party, I think one of the men had decided that he was going to
spank every woman in the room, because he started making the rounds.  He
asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom that was attached to the main room,
and of course I said yes!  He sat on the bed, and I got over his lap.  He
gave me a wonderful handspanking, nice and long, and then he did something
that I’d never felt before.  He dragged his fingernails across every part of
my bottom and thighs that he’d spanked, and I almost lost my mind!  OMG,
that was the most amazing thing I’ve felt in a LONG time.  WOW.

One of the men who always canes me asked if I wanted to go for it right
after that spanking, or if I wanted to wait a little while, and as I wanted
to bask in the feeling of that spanking, I waited, but not TOO long.  He put
a chair in the middle of the main room, and I bent over it so that he could
cane me.  I love the cane. <BG>  People who have never seen me get caned are
always amazed that I don’t flinch or make a sound or even look like I’m
reacting.  I internalize the whole experience, so the most somebody would
see is my bottom tensing after each stroke.  It was so nice that I realized
that bending over wasn’t going to last long, I needed to be flat on the bed
so that I wouldn’t fall over. LOL  So we went into the bedroom, and I got
caned flat on the bed.  I got very relaxed but didn’t QUITE bliss out.  I
don’t know how many strokes I got, but it was still early and he didn’t want
to wear me out too early. It was excellent!

Later on a man with an evil wooden spaghetti spoon (it looks almost like a
mutated hand on a long handle) asked if I wanted to have it tried out on me.
Not one to turn down a spanking, LOL, I said yes.  That thing STINGS!!  He
kept spanking, and somehow I handled it.  I usually don’t handle stingy very
well, I like thud better, but as the title of this post says, I’m a
painslut. <VBG>  I was VERY warmed up after that!

At some point, I got into a discussion about what a leather strap would feel
like that this one man had.  It was one of those short straps on a wooden
handle, and I’d never been spanked with one before.  He’s a regular at the
parties, but had never spanked me before, so all around it was a new
experience!  He put me over his knee and spanked me with that thing, and it
was stingy TOO!  Geez, you wouldn’t think leather could sting like that and
not be a quirt. LOL  (Quirts are evil stingy things from hell, btw!)

I wasn’t really going for records at this party, I was just so happy to be
back in my element and getting spanked again!  I felt more relaxed than I
had in months and months.  I was having tons of fun watching all the other
women get spanked.  I was laughing a LOT.  There were a few women who, no
matter what they did or didn’t do, got spanked almost CONSTANTLY. LOL  Of
course I was being helpful and offering info that sometimes got them MORE
spanked.  I was just doing my job. <EG>  I was watching a bunch of these
spankings when Harry suddenly pointed at me with the cane.  I didn’t need to
be asked twice, that’s for sure!  So we went into the main room, and I bent
over this padded apparatus that somebody had brought.  Harry caned me good
and hard, just the way I like it. <BG>  I think there were people in the
room who hadn’t seen me get caned earlier, because they were commenting
again that I wasn’t reacting.  I was having too good a time to react!
Everybody was commenting by the time it was over that my bottom looked
pretty well done, but I’ve looked MUCH worse than that before.  I wasn’t
bruised at all, for a change, it was just all cane marks!  I love cane
marks. <VBG>  In fact, I still have some of them almost a week later.
That’s my favorite part, being able to look in the mirror at the marks for
days and days afterwards.

The party ended sort of early, about 1:30, (I think the record is 4 in the
morning), but even then I’d had a great time.  When I got to my room I
realized I couldn’t sleep on my back, but that’s just the sign of a really
good party for me. LOL

It took a couple days before I could sit without feeling the couple small
bruises that cropped up by the next morning, or the cane marks.  I just
checked a little while ago and some of the cane marks are still obvious, so
I’ll see how long they last.  At this point they itch sometimes because
they’re healing!

Next month is Worldcon, and I’ll be posting a BIG report on that, because
not only will Greg be there again, but this year I will FINALLY be meeting
Starship!  We’ll see if he can handle this painslut. ; )

I Need a Spanking

  • Posted on March 13, 2014 at 9:14 PM

I need a spanking.  A long, hard spanking, layered if possible.  Different implements, hairbrush to start out with, then one of the wooden paddles, and then the belt.  Or maybe starting out with the riding crop, followed by the plastic spoon, and ending with the Lexan paddle.  There are so many variations that’s it’s difficult to decide on one set.  There’s no way I could decide on one implement, I love the layered effect of different implements.  The different feel of each, the different marks.  If it’s a punishment spanking I need it hard and none of the easier implements will be enough.  If it’s play, a little bit of a lot of implements is great, working up from light to hard.  G.’s arm doesn’t seem to tire out, so what I can take he can give easily.  I’ve worn out Tops at parties, so I know how lucky I am that his arm can handle the level I like or need.

I can feel the need for a spanking around the edges of my psyche.  It’s not blaring at me, just gently provoking me, prodding me to want it.  Considering that a month ago I thought I had lost my spanking mojo, this is definite progress.  I have no idea when I’ll be able to get the spanking I want, but at least I know I want it.  It gives me things to think about, to fantasize, when I couldn’t come up with anything a month ago, leaving me to wonder if I was going to lose even that much of who I am.  Now I know it’s not gone, it was just lying dormant for a while, and now it’s back.

Almost Time for New York

  • Posted on September 7, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I have a week and three days until I go to New York to see G. for almost two weeks.  We’ve never had that much time together without Worldcon taking up a good chunk of the time.  Last year we were together for ten days, but six of them were at Worldcon with all the stuff we do there.  Yeah, we get to play, but we’re doing so much other stuff that we don’t have as much time.  This time I’ll be at his house instead of a hotel, which is also different.  Normally we’re both in a hotel, or like two years ago when I was in New York, I was in the hotel and that’s where we played.  This year because of the change in location, we’re branching out, literally.  I can’t believe I just made that joke, but it totally fits because he’s going to use switches on me for the first time!!  We’re both inexperienced when it comes to switches, having always been in hotels when we’ve played before, so  BL (waves at BL) sent G. an email about the care and feeding of switches, which I have named The Email of Doom. LOL  Maybe I don’t know enough to “be afraid, be very afraid”, but I am a little nervous about it.  I’ve watched a couple videos of woman getting the switch, and it looks intense.  He’s going to use them for punishment sessions, so I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it.  If it was for play I’d be fine because I love intense, but for punishment I’m more of a wimp.

Besides that we’ve got planned punishment sessions to deal with, and there will be changes in positions that we don’t usually do.  He hasn’t paddled me while I was bending over in a long time, so we’re going to try that, and he’s never spanked me with the belt in that position, so we’re going to try that too.  He’s insisting that we take a trip to Home Depot, because I can’t fit the mat in my suitcase and still have room for clothes and the other implements.  So it won’t do me any good anymore to threaten to send the mat on vacation, because he’ll have one in reserve!  So not fair.  But he’s back to his old self, so who am I to complain?  I’ve been hoping he’d find that part of himself again, and it seems that in the past few months he has.  It’s been rough the past few years, but it seems like things are finally getting back to normal.  It’s very good.

I know I’ll manage to get a good girl caning in at some point, which means I’ll spend a while flying.  I haven’t been in that state in years, and I miss it.  He keeps the cane with him, so I don’t get to see it much, and I couldn’t use it on myself anyway.  It’s short, but I wouldn’t be able to manage to cane myself as hard as he can cane me.  Which is hard.  Very amazingly, wonderfully hard.  I don’t react to canes the way other people do.  My butt clenches and my toes might curl, but I don’t make much noise.  I just lie on the bed and start flying.  I was told once at a party that I hum while I’m being caned, which I haven’t noticed, but who notices that stuff when you’re having so much fun?

I came up with far too many ideas, and he took far too many notes, so I’m screwed in so many ways that I’ve probably forgotten a few of them.  G. says I’ve got the memory of a steel sieve, so there’s a good chance that his notes are much more complete than the things I remember.  I do know I’m getting spanked for skipping school in high school, which was over 30 years ago, but hey, better late than never. : )  He’s also going to get a chance to try out the bamboo spoons I bought that he hasn’t seen yet.  They seem annoyingly indestructible if you ask me, and just me using them on myself hurts like hell, so him using them is going to be an experience!

We have tons of vanilla stuff planned too, of course, but the miniature golf outing might get me spanked. LOL  It seems very possible, considering how much I suck at it.  I’ll have to work so hard at keeping my frustration levels low, so we’re going to have to see how that goes, because I can see it ending badly for my butt.  Anybody have any ideas on how to go Zen during mini golf?  All suggestions welcome!

I think there’s a good chance that he bought a new implement that I don’t know about.  He mentioned that there was something he’s wanted to try out on me that he hasn’t had the chance to, but when I asked about a new implement he said “I can neither confirm or deny the existence of a new implement”.  He’s sneaky these days, so anything’s possible!

I’m getting exciting about going because I’m realizing how close it’s getting to the time to go.  It’s going to be so great!

Is it just me this happens to?

  • Posted on July 8, 2013 at 4:19 PM

It had been almost a year since I’d been spanked, and it had been longer since G. and I had been on the level of him trying to change my behavior.  Since Thursday I’ve been able to get spanked every day, and G. has been really intent on getting me to change certain behavior (mostly attitude).  I noticed something yesterday, and when I mentioned it to G., he said that he’d noticed it too.  The more I’m spanked, and the closer I get to compliance, the more the words I use change when talking about spanking.  I don’t use the words butt or ass, it’s bottom almost exclusively.  Every time I’ve emailed him about my spankings, I’ve used the word bottom to talk about how sore it is, how red it is, and anything else pertaining to it.  It doesn’t sound right to call it anything else right now.  It’s been so long since I’ve been able to focus on this stuff along with consistent spankings.  It’s taking a while for my attitude to change, because I rebel against him saying that it has to, but there have been subtle changes in my thinking.  I liked that he noticed it.  Does that word change happen to anybody else?  Just wondering if I’m the only one!

My Bottom Hurts

  • Posted on July 7, 2013 at 5:03 PM

The title says it all.  I’ve been able to do spankings for days now, every day starting with Thursday.  This is damn near a miracle, considering that it had been almost a year since I’d had any length of time to do it.  Thursday was the best because nobody was home and I could use the loud implements, the paddle, the belt, the bamboo spoon, the bath brush, and the rubber ruler.  I did such a good job of it that my bottom has hurt since.  I’ve been able to use the Liquid Cane, the drumstick, and a little of the bamboo spoon every day since.  The bamboo spoon is indestructible and evil, which G. loves.  He hasn’t used it on me yet, but I told him about it the other day, and he’s very happy about it.

With all this spanking after so long, I notice that I’m much calmer.  I was so frustrated for so long, because I never got any time at home by myself, or even the ability to do any spanking at all, until last week.  I was starting to think it would never happen again.  My shoulders aren’t up near my ears, and I’m breathe like a normal person again without the nervous tick I had developed.  It’s great.  Even if I can’t do full fledged Punishment Saturdays, at least I can get something in, and it’s only two months until I get to go to New York to see G., so I’m not going to be deprived for the whole time like I thought I would.  I’m not exactly blissing out, but things are much better this way.  G. is noticing a definite sliding back into being stubborn as hell and not doing what I should, but that’s because it’s been so long since we’ve been able to do anything with him in charge, the way we did way back.  It’s been years, so it’s going to take a little while to get my brain working like that again.  I told him, it’s not going to take a night or even a week after that long.  In the meantime, I’m going to have a sore bottom, and that alone makes me very happy.

Punishment Saturdays

  • Posted on June 9, 2013 at 1:30 PM

I mentioned on Twitter recently about how I used to have lots of time for self spanking, especially on Saturday mornings.  For years I had at least a few hours every Saturday morning to play without interruption.  G. decided that if I had anything I needed to be punished for, I would do it then, otherwise I would pretend that I was being punished for something.  It helped me spank harder if I thought I deserved it for something I’d done, otherwise I’d wimp out and not spank very hard or very long.  I used everything, the hairbrush, bathbrush, paddles, belt, rubber rulers, and even the occasional switch when I could get a good one.  At some point we learned that when I was in the punishment mindset, embarrassment worked really well to help change my behavior.  G. decided that I needed to have the blinds and windows open.  We live in a basement apartment, so I wasn’t exactly risking a indecent exposure charge, but if somebody had walked right up to the window, they would’ve seen me.  It’s impossible to see in from the sidewalk, on either side, but hey, the sound of a paddle could make somebody curious enough to want to look in the window, right?

On the days when G. said I had to have a switch, I’d get that first.  I had to go outside to cut one, and try not to call too much attention to myself.  Eventually G. said that I couldn’t hide it, that I had to swish it around on the way back to the building.  I always hoped that nobody was around when I had to do that, but whether or not anybody saw, it still added to the embarrassment factor.

Part of the day was spent in “corner time” after a serious dose of the hairbrush or the paddle.  The thing was, it’s a small apartment, with no real corners.  Somehow it was decided (not sure if it was my idea or G.’s), to bend over the kitchen table, no pants on, red bare bottom facing the window.  Again, not a serious chance of being seen, but every time I’d hear footsteps or voices outside, my heart would race.  I wasn’t allowed to move, or look to see if anybody was looking in the window, so my imagination would go wild.  After the allotted time was done, I had to go back to spanking.  Sometimes I would use the hairbrush a lot more, sometimes I’d use the belt a lot more, sometimes I’d use something different every time.  The goal was always the same though, a very sore, very red bare bottom, and I was able to deliver.  G. had always thought I had a wimpy arm.  Yes, it takes a lot longer for me to get the same results he does, but that’s mostly because it’s more difficult to get the right leverage with some of the implements.  He can use the Lexan paddle on me, but I can’t use it on myself because it’s too big.  I tend to use the smaller implements because they’re the easiest to use.  After each implement, it was back over the table.  I could feel the pain in my bottom as I stood there, knowing how red my bottom was, and dreading the possibility of hearing somebody outside the window.

There was a time when I was seen, which I wrote about in another post called Fact or Fiction?  Telling G. the next night about having been seen was as embarrassing as having been seen in the first place.  He thought of it as part of my punishment, so he was happy that it had added to my embarrassment.
It was on one of the days I used to get once a year where nobody would be home until late afternoon.  I always loved that day, because I didn’t have to worry about anybody coming home, and I could play as much as I wanted.

The end result of Punishment Saturdays was a very sore, very red bare bottom that would last at least until the end of the day, if not longer.  There were times when I really had a lot of time and it would last longer than the weekend.  Even sitting on my bed would hurt, and I would revel in it.

Once a week during the spring, summer and part of the fall, I’d have a whole morning to be punished, or to play at being punished, depending on the situation.  It lasted for years, and it settled me down for the rest of the week.  It was great.  Three years ago it ended, and except for when I can see G., I go without being spanked these days, even from myself.  My mind and spirit aren’t settled anymore.  I need it back, but I don’t see that happening.