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Lifelong Masturbator

  • Posted on May 13, 2016 at 9:59 PM

I was masturbating when I had no idea what that was, what the word meant, or even that there was a word for it. All I knew was that I told myself “stories” at night before I fell asleep, at a very early age, maybe around six or seven years old, and that those “stories” did something to me that felt good. A boy down the street had shown me a way to masturbate without touching myself. Little did I realize that’s what he was showing me, or that it shouldn’t have worked for me since I didn’t have the same equipment that he did. He put a pillow on the floor and lay on top of it, with it under his hips. I didn’t use a pillow when I did it on my own, but somehow found the internal muscles even at that age to bring myself to orgasm. Again, I had no idea I was doing that, it just felt really good. The “stories” I told myself were about spanking, always about spanking, and the earliest ones were about other kids getting spanked, never me. I didn’t feature in my own “stories” until I was around ten years old or so. I never told anybody, mostly because we didn’t talk about sex when I was a kid. I also thought that what turned me on, and what had turned me on since around the age of three or four years old, might be “not right”, might be something that other people would say was wrong, or sick, so I kept it all to myself. Nobody had ever told me that masturbation was wrong, because that subject was never brought up, so I didn’t feel any shame about the actual act, just about what I thought about while doing it.

Jump ahead to the age of eighteen, and I found a copy of My Secret Garden. Most of the fantasies in the book did nothing for me, though there was a small spanking section near the back, in the “these aren’t REALLY normal, but a few women do get turned on by them” section (ARGH!). What the book did though, was show me that I had been masturbating for most of my life already, I just wasn’t doing it the way anybody else was doing it. I still was never touching myself, mostly because I didn’t understand the physical nature of the whole thing. All of my orgasms were still exclusively internal. But that book showed me a whole new world. I touched myself, having never even known what was down there before, and wow, talk about an eye opener! I gave up the old “no touching” policy I’d had, and used my hand from then on. It was amazing. I finally understood what I was doing, and why, and now I had actual fantasies, still always about spanking. What didn’t change was that my fantasies never involved sex. Especially at that age I was still highly repressed and hadn’t had sex, so my fantasies reflected that. It’s something I’ve never actually outgrown though. Even during sex my fantasies don’t involve sex. I have a punishment fetish, and that’s what gets me off.

I’ve used toys, though they were a late addition, after my divorce, but my favorite is still my middle finger. It’s always there, it doesn’t run out of batteries, and it’s quiet. The times I have used a vibrator, the noise is distracting. I’m too focused on having to move it around. It works, but it takes much longer, so I tend not to use them much.

About ten years ago, after being reminded of my old method of internal orgasms, I tried to do it again. It had been over two decades since I’d even tried it, and it did work, but I was trying to use muscles that were so far out of use that I thought I was close to busting a blood vessel in my brain by the time I orgasmed, so that was a one time thing.

These days real life sometimes gets in the way, or I’m too tired, and then I realize it’s been a month or more since I’ve managed to masturbate. At those times it takes about a minute, maybe two, to orgasm, because ANY of my old standby fantasies will work. Other times I get into a groove when I masturbate all the time, and then it takes longer, or my usual fantasies don’t work, so I have to come up with something totally new to get where I need to be. Even then, it’s still worth it.