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And Now Back to Words, Feelings, and Kink

  • Posted on December 4, 2015 at 10:02 PM

I’ve managed to get a bunch of new posts on here because of Sinful Sunday.  It allowed me to post things that had nothing to do with words, because I hadn’t been able to write anything in so long.  The pictures told my story while I wasn’t able to with my words.  It also helped because I did NaNoWriMo last month (National Novel Writing Month for the uninitiated), as I do most years, so all my words go to that anyway.  This year’s NaNo changed things though.  I found my kink again.  The thing that gets me going.  The use of words, hot buttons, to make me hot and wet and wanting again for the first time in so long.  Things got so bad that I had all but lost my ability to fantasize to orgasm.  None of the fantasies I tried did anything for me anymore.  Then I started writing my book in November.  It’s my story.  How I found the newsgroup way back, and my introduction to actually playing in the scene, and then to my Top/Bottom relationship with G.  Replaying the scenes and the mindset involved and all the other things, got my brain running again in the kinky vein.  I found myself getting squirmy again for the first time in so long.  I found myself writing things that might push other people’s buttons, and were obviously pushing all of mine.  I started feeling it all coming back, and fantasizing started working again.  Yes, they were old fantasies, from back when G. and I started talking and playing, but they spark something in me that the fantasies I had been using for months couldn’t do.  I had been grieving what I had been feeling was my kinky life, because of massive stresses at home, my inability to have any time to myself, and the loss of viable fantasies.  I haven’t seen G. since October of last year.  Neither of us has the money to travel, and I have other barriers right now that make it impossible for me to go see him.  Every month had pushed me farther and farther away from my kinky self, the person I need to be to be happy and settled.  It felt so far away for so long, and I thought I couldn’t get back to it.  My world had narrowed to a pathetic little bubble, and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I was stagnating.

Then I remembered that I had to come up with an idea for NaNo.  I don’t work at my full time job anymore, and every year that I did it when I did, my boss always wanted to read what I wrote, so I stuck with sci-fi.  It was safe.  This year I decided to be brave.  I wanted to write erotica.  I wanted to write kink.  I wanted to write a full blown spanking story.  The problem was, I couldn’t come up with a fantasy to write.  A rich, fully realized world that could fill up a novel, full of spankings and sex and whatever else I wanted.  I was slightly panicked as it got closer and closer to November.  I just couldn’t come up with anything.  Then I wondered.  Did it have to be a fantasy?  Couldn’t it be reality, wrapped up in fiction to protect the totally kinky?  I didn’t want to start too far back, to include all the desperation I had felt as a kid, teenager, and adult, pre-internet.  I didn’t know exactly where to start, so I just did.  I started just after my divorce, when I got online the first time, to find that I wasn’t some sick, twisted person who should hide who they were.  I built up from there, and as I got into the first times I played, then when I started talking to G., then playing with him, and that was when I started feeling things again.  What I had thought was lost was just buried.  Yes, so deep that I had forgotten where I had put it, but I found it again, and that old zing came back.  The old thrill at the old hot button words and phrases.  The first time G. told me not to be a bad girl.  All the times when he said I disobeyed or misbehaved.  I had forgotten how much those words worked on me.  But it came back as I wrote.  I wrote over 50,000 words, meaning I won again, but I didn’t just win NaNoWriMo.  I won my kink back.  I won the part of myself that is so integral to who I am and who I need to be, to be a whole person.  The part I need to be happy.