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G. means business

  • Posted on March 28, 2012 at 1:53 AM

Because it had been so long since G. and I had done the rule thing, I was having a difficult time getting used to even trying to follow it.  My attitude was the opposite of what it needed to be if this was going to work.  I pushed and joked and generally acted like I wasn’t about to start doing what G. wanted me to do.  I needed to know that G. was invested in this, because I wasn’t sure if he was just doing it because I asked him to and not because he really wanted to help, so we discussed it the other night on the phone.  It turns out that he’s more serious about it than I thought, so that every show of attitude was met with threats of dire consequences.  It’s what I needed to hear.  It gave me boundaries that I hadn’t had in a long time, and there are times when boundaries make me feel safe.  When everything else in my universe starts to fall apart, if I can go to G. and have him say, “This is as far as you’re allowed to go.  ANYTHING beyond this point means you’re going to get punished”, then I have something I can hang on to.  It makes me feel settled.  Right now I need that, because everything else is chaos and frustration.  G. will punish me if I go beyond what we’ve decided on this rule about my attitude.  I hear the tone and I know I’m getting close to the line he’s drawn, and sometimes I have to smash right up against it, but other times I just need to know that it’s there and I can back off.  I like that.  I’d forgotten how much I like that, but I’m starting to remember.