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When did you discover you were kinky?

  • Posted on May 8, 2011 at 1:31 PM

This is another of the 30 Days of Kink topics, and it got me thinking.  I’ve always known there was something different about me.  The problem is, I’m older and didn’t have real access to the internet until I was in my 30′s.  It was the ’90′s, and this wondrous thing called the internet was starting to open up the world to us.  Until then, at least when I a teenager, and in my early 20′s, I thought that there was something wrong with me, because people around me didn’t think the things I did, or do the things I did.  I remember being four years old and watching the Little Rascals on tv, HOPING for one of the films where one or more of the kids got spanked.  I didn’t know why, I just knew that watching those movies gave me this weird feeling inside, and it was good.  Back then I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, that came later.  I just knew it was something to keep to myself.  In one movie, one of the kids put a book down the back of their pants because they knew they were going to get spanked, and I decided I had to try that.  The feeling of that hardcover Little Golden book against my bare bottom gave me a thrill like nothing else had ever done.  I did it in secret whenever I could, and it was great.  This is how I know I’m hard-wired for being a spanko, because it started so early and so definitively.  I looked up the word spanking in the dictionary, at school and at home.  Before the age of ten I convinced friends to play a version of house which included spanking.  I fantasized about spanking from an early age.  If I had grown up in the internet age, I would’ve always known I was kinky, and I would’ve had a much better image of myself because I would’ve known that there were all those other people out there who felt the same way.  As it was, when I was 34, I found my first newsgroup, and suddenly realized that all these other people had the same thoughts and feelings as I did, and that the same things that turned them on turned me on.  It was a liberating moment for me.  I envy kids now, because they can learn so much earlier that what they do isn’t sick and twisted, even as much as we still have to hide what we do.  They can still find all this stuff online to let them know they’re not alone.

Do I need new fantasies?

  • Posted on May 8, 2011 at 12:51 AM

I’ve been thinking about it.  My spanking mojo has kicked back in this month after a really ghastly April.  Because of time constraints, or falling asleep before I’d intended to, I haven’t had a chance to take advantage of fantasizing that much so far, but I’m getting working on that.  I have fantasies that tend to work, but lately I keep having to ratchet things up to push myself over the edge.  I’d love some new ones, but where the hell do you go to get new fantasies?  If there was a website or something with categories of fantasies, and you could read through the ideas to find one that got you all hot and bothered, that would be great.  I could comb through a bunch of old stories to find some I suppose, not mine but other people’s.  I know all mine, they branch out from my old fantasies.

The other choice is to rework my old fantasies, recreating those things that have always worked for me.  Maybe I’m unique, but sex fantasies don’t work for me.  Punishment fantasies do.  No matter what age I’m supposed to be in the fantasy, it works.  Little girl, teenage, adult, as long as I’m being punished for something, I get where I need to go with them.  Thinking about somebody else getting it works too, but again, always punishment, with no sex involved.  Maybe it’s because that’s how my fantasizing started.  As a little girl, and I mean before the age of ten, telling myself stories about other kids getting spanked.  I never progressed to actual sex fantasies, it’s always just been wired to spanking.  Some get dark, some go over the top, but if I haven’t masturbated in ages, I don’t even get very far into the fantasy before I’m done.  It’s when I’ve been doing it a lot that the old fantasies get too old, too overdone, and need to be ratcheted up to higher and higher levels.  When you fall asleep in the middle, you know it’s taking too long!  That’s when I start thinking I need new fantasies, new thrills to take me to new and better heights faster than the old stuff.

Pictures get my imagination going a lot.  I know, they say that men are the visually stimulated gender.  Bull.  Just seeing a bare bottom, especially if it’s been spanked, in a picture or in person, does it for me.  I think I need some new pictures.  I’ve seen all the ones I have, over and over.  Hell, I even have pictures of MY bare bottom after spankings.  I seem to always get the same pictures when I go online, so even that’s getting old.  It’s difficult to come up with new stories for the same old pictures.  I try, I really do!

So what to do?  New or old?